Dear buddy,
This is my first ever blog and I’m quite nervous when writing it. You see, I was inspired by Anne Frank and have been reading her book “Diary of a Young Girl”. I too want to write everything that has been happening in my life, to whom sees or doesn’t see it. It will be like a great memory or even memoir I could share someday and look back on my early years when I’m getting older.
I want to talk about what had happened to me, I don’t want you to get confused since you don’t really know me well, I mean buddy you’re my friend now! And friends have to understand each other well.
I’m currently 16-years-old and was born in Hong Kong on April 19th. My dad is from Taiwan, and my mom is from Hong Kong. I was born at 2:13pm, I don’t even know how I remember it, but I have told you anyways. I went to Cannan Kindergarten, Holy Family Canossian School and also Holy Family Canossian College currently. But I have been accepted into Perth College in Australia and will be going there once my visa arrives.
You may be wondering why I’m going to Australia, It’s a long story and a rough and deep patch but I’m willing to share it with you, if you’re willing to keep this little secret of mine too, but this is for another day I suppose. There’s much more that you don’t know about me but slowly you’ll know and understand all of my hobbies!
Well, let me tell you about today. Waiting for my visa has been the most anxiety-driven thing that has happened to me, you may think that I’m overreacting but this visa will literally change the trajectory of my life (And I mean like 180 degrees type of change), I’ll be choosing the subjects that I like and excel at, these are: Psychology, Politics and Law, Modern History (since they didn’t have Ancient History), English and Applied Mathematics. I’m Chinese but I’m not good at it and find it difficult to understand my own mother-tongue when it’s a subject that must be taken.
Anyways, I’ve been crying and worrying about my visa since it has been taking so long to get any answers. It’s been making me really sad, and I don’t want to stay at my old school anymore because I feel completely alone and isolated.
Last year, I had a group of friends, a group of girls, of course since I go to an all-girls school. We had fun during classes, laughed and talked a lot. I could admit that we were all struggling with our grades, as we were in the elite class of our form, we didn’t belong there, so we initially struggled. I suppose that we were the girls who liked to have fun instead of studying and working hard. And I’d like to admit that I was one of those girls too, I still don’t really know why but maybe it’s because I wanted to fit in with them. They seemed cool, nice and fun. We uplifted each other when we got bad grades, we laughed and rubbed it off, they kind of made me forget my past or bad emotions. When I went to school, it was not because I wanted to learn but mostly because they were like a safe space to me, a place where I could have fun and forget the worries and pressure of school. But I knew deep down that I didn’t belong there. I had my own sense of humor that they couldn’t understand and my own sense of morals (I would also like to confess that I wasn’t the best friend that I could’ve been and I had my own flaws). To me they were the popular girls, they had connections and friends in every class and that gave me a sense of belonging in my class and at this school.
I had always felt like an outcast or a black sheep as one could say. I was so jealous of the girls that had their own friend groups and could stay there and be happy. While I had to keep looking for that, it was unstable and temporary each time. I knew it deep down in my heart each and every time. I don’t have any siblings to confide to or tell my deepest feelings. Sometimes, my parents don’t understand why I keep looking for friend groups or want a sense of belonging. Times change and I suppose social media is how we try making new friends nowadays.
Sometimes we’d talk about boys, dating and relationships but we’d also talk about serious topics like studying and how we’ve been struggling. But mostly it’s about relationships, gossip and fun stuff which I don’t like to talk about now. But to me at that time, it was pure gold, I felt like I had finally found friends that would stick together and have fun with. But of course everything changed when I had a falling out with one of the more popular girls.
I had betrayed her trust and didn’t keep my promise, it was my fault. But then you know the drill, she’d curse at me and I’d try to fight back but had failed to. And she threatened me to send her homework so she’d forget about it and we’d never talk again. Of course, I gave in and sent her my own homework, I never told my English teacher this but maybe I will when it’s my last day at school. Sometimes it hurts to bring this up and I’m still recovering from everything, it’s scary.
At that time, she had already told everyone that we both knew. So the narrative had already been set to her side of the story, I never got to explain my side but I don’t think it really matters anymore.
Normally, I had to leave the group and I got isolated by many people. Friends from other classes and friends that weren’t involved were also isolating me since they believed her. People tend to believe powerful people rather than using their own judgement, I’m not that bad of a person right? Did I deserve to get hateful and scary threats? I’ve always helped people but I don’t understand why they’d just leave me there to rot and die inside.
I told my teachers but they said they couldn’t do much. It was probably the start of a new semester and I was assigned to the corner seat since I had no one to talk to other than my books accompanying me. I started gaining depression and suicidal thoughts. I didn’t have good grades, I don’t have friends other than accomplices/classmates and I’ve done nothing but be sad and gloomy. The depression started creeping in, it was scary and I’ve never thought of something like that. I then tried writing a letter to the girl that I had problems with (P.S. It was before the start of a new semester), I wrote her an A4 long apology letter and put it on her table since she sat right in front of me during that time. I went to the bathroom after putting it on her table, when I came back, my other old friends were reading it with her. When they saw me, they immediately went back to their seats and ignored the fact that I caught them red-handed. That girl then proceeded to post my apology letter on her Instagram close friends, I had received this information from a classmate of mine but I trusted her since she was trustworthy enough. I was embarrassed and ashamed of why I’d done that in the first place but I’ve done enough and she wouldn’t forgive me. Till now, I still carry this guilt and I feel ashamed of myself, it will scar me for life.
As mentioned, my teachers were afraid of conflict and wouldn’t stand up for me because they’d rather keep their jobs then defend their students. They told me that it was part of experience and I could learn from it, which I did but it wasn’t enough for me to heal at that time. Then one of my old friends brought me to the school therapist and she really helped a lot, I couldn’t thank her enough for supporting me throughout my recovery and journey.
I attempted suicide during September or December and wanted to jump off my school building, but I didn’t luckily and told my school therapist on what happened and was sent to the hospital for a mental checkup. My parents were furious but now they understand why which I’m very lucky that I have great parents :). I stayed there for a week and missed a week of school, when I came back, my teachers were only curious and asked me if I was okay but nothing else, reasonable, I guess, same for my classmates too.
Since then, I’ve isolated myself since I deem myself not worthy and weird of hanging out or talking to them, some of my classmates are nice to me but mostly they ignore me. I try being nice and help out sometimes, but it goes unnoticed. Like what happened today, I caught a bug on their desks since they were afraid but no “thank you” or anything like that (Manners are important to me but to them I guess not or I’m just a nothing to them). I read books or go eat by myself now and I’m used to it. Can’t say that it’s fun but it’s not unbearable.
Now that each time I return back to that school which I call “hell”, I get sadder and sadder as the day passes by. I took a long break before that and was happy because I got to spend more time with my parents and our relationships are much stronger than ever.
I have a lot to say but I think that’s enough information for today. Thank you for listen to me buddy, I really appreciate you!
With love,
Alice Hsieh.
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